My First Emo Post

...after 2 years

Remember the short stories and poems we used to read back in form 1 or 2?
"The Road Not Taken" by Robert Frost

I understand the message in it. But what if we didnt intend or wanted to take the uncommon road in the first place?

Yes, I always somehow so 'conveniently' landed at those rough terrible roads.

Let me give u an obvious incident. Its the first month uni, barely any good news. Till i received an email from World Resorts Bhd (also known as Genting) regarding bout a scholarship interview. That sort of thing doesnt come by everyday u know. Finally a glimpse of hope for gettin a scholarship.

But the catch, its an entire day interview process. Includes both individual and group interview which starts by 8 and register by 7.30am at Genting on Sunday!!!
Gawd, how is it possible to reach there on time?

Furthermore its on a Sunday. And during the deciding week of goin for it or not, there came an announcement from our faculty, saying there's a compulsory talk for all the first year students on Sunday itself.

Perfect, just perfect! Now its even a tougher decision. As many seniors said the talk is really important.

I went on with the talk and ditch the interview. Reason: I have instinct and feelings not wanting to go for the interview, my mum advised its too much of a hassle to get there that early, furthermore i'm already thru with my Shell scholarship interview, so its more like a gamble on it i suppose.

So yeah, went on with the talk. It was alrite i suppose.The usual stuffs. Till the dean started talking bout this Kelab Pelajar Tahun Satu (KPTS), encouraging ppl to join for it. Something like a first year student council for my faculty.

I dunno whats gotten into me, as soon as they announced bout it, my blood was rushing, heart pumping, overflowed with strong instincts and feelings again but way crazier. It was the wanting of being involve in this KPTS. So yeah, went up the stage, mind all blank, introduced myself, let them vote among me and few others. I dont get it why i did that

It was the voting for the Prez, probability of me gettin it is less than a pinch of sand. Its a public uni and its Malaysia. Go figure.

So this Malay gal got it, and the dean gave us the rest of us 'candidates' the remaining top posts. I was the vice prez. Nothin to be proud of

To tell the truth, i was ashame to type or even relate this matter to anyone. I really dunno what the hell i'm doin on that moment. As after the talk, all my kolej's seniors were practically dumbfounded and saying how foolish i am to make such move. Couldnt explain myself.

Tryin to be positive, I told myself, "Its ok, since i'm in it, no point regretting it now. I could learn somethin from being in it"

It wasnt as colourful as it shud turn out to be. Meetings were draggy, disorganised, activities on schedule were...let just say its non-practical.

And guess what? Everything already down the road and even goin further down. I didnt get the Shell scholarship. Instead, i sacrifice the Genting's for this foolish club involvement.
No one to blame but myself. I'm the one making this suiciding moves.

Today we had our last meeting for this semester. She(prez) told me, she and 2 other gals from the committee were chosen to go to Korea next sem. So she's expecting me to take over all of her jobs of managing the KPTS.

WTF, how could she dump everything and leave. There's still like 3 more ongoin activities next sem. Great. Just great. Its fun isnt it? Taking credit and have everything, enjoying urself there subsidize by the uni. Lesson learned, rub shoulders with ur boss.

And i still have the friggin King duty for the chinese fekon next sem

Arghhh!!!!!

Goddamnmotherfucker!

Each and everyday, i told myself, "Everything happens for a reason", "Make the best out of the worst"

I cant hold on much longer. 2 wrong turns doesnt make 1 right. The road not taken, probably its the road shouldnt be taken at all.
My sis was right all the way long. Shud never get involve in uni at all. Just go to class and go back. But i insisted to experience it more by staying there, join in a few stuffs.

And Eureeka, i lost everything.
Its a string of calamity from this whole education idea. NUS rejected me, UM rejected me, JPA, Shell,gazillion commercial banks,UEM rejected me. While i enviously(yes, i was darn envious) looking at others achieving it. We had the same qualifications, same background. Where do i belong if i dont worth any of the ground there? I dont get it.
I guess its wrong to ask for financial help and hope to get better education huh?

What do i get out of this KPTS? Nothin, the cert are no use anywhere in the universe. Business students enter the KPTS to get recognition from the faculty so they will be accepted into the accounting program as major next year. What the fuck an Econs student like me doin there? Nothin. Its pure foolish-ness. It will worth every centimeter of banging my head onto the wall.

As part of my daily overly used fav phrase
'I don't get it'

Each nite, i went to bed with a heavy head. Having all these thoughts flying around. Silently hoping and praying that i will have some sort of direction of guidance from this mess.
Of course i never had any of that lah, lol. All i get was waking up late afternoon coz i couldnt put myself to sleep each nite.
There's a few other matters but i really cant say it out here.


I think i only told Rachel bout it...bout the emptiness i felt ever since i started uni.
I never felt so unmotivated in my life before. My finals is a good way to see the actual impact. 2 days before my first paper. Not even the slightest spark or ignition to make myself study. No worries no nothin. There's no guilt during the time i'm playin or wasting time. No effort or reason to push myself

But thats how i've been feeling for the past few months. Everyday i do the routine for the sake of doin it. There's nothin i can find to look forward to.

...how in the world did i turn out like this? Numb and zombie-fied feelings.
As though my life has gone all bland and tasteless.

Gawd, this sucks.

"Everything happens for a reason"

"Have faith"

And i'm really losing grip on it soon.

...

..

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I don't get it, i really don't